Piranha 3D

UK Release Date 20th August 2010
Director Alexandre Aja
Starring Bloody Fish
Runtime 88 Minutes
Certificate 18
Reviewer Mark
Reviewed 27th February 2016

Bloody nork-fest, allegorical take on consumer overdrive, or small town morality tale-Piranha 3D is the tricked out Rolls Royce of exploitation movies. 

SPPPRRRIIIINNNNGGGG BREEEEEEAKKK descends on Lake Victoria, Arizona, a baby-oiled nightmare of college fuckwits possessed by the spirit of Keith Moon. This is Armageddon Americana, the death of youth in bikinis shot by a thousand Max Hardcore wannabes. These Mister President are your future leaders of the free world. China might as well advance to Go now rather than wait another 50 years. Would the last intern left in the Whitehouse turn the lights off?

Who cares about that shit when the party is this AWESOME! Grab some brews, grab some tits and ass and put the 2 Live Crew to shame. You saw the videos now you’re living them dude. Well you’re not if you happen to be local boy Jake Forester. Poor Jake not only has to baby-sit his younger brother and sister but his mum also happens to be the local sheriff-the ultimate cock-block. Every year Jake misses out as his mum keeps the revellers in check.

Well not this year. Jake’s made a deal with the devil in the form of porn king Derrick Jones. He’s got the coke, he’s got the booze, he’s got the silicone fitties and he’s got the private yacht ya’ll. Bermuthafuckingling baby! All he’s got to do is take Derrick and his fine gals to the hottest locations and shoot some flesh. Better yet Jake’s hot crush Kelly is coming along for the ride and she might just experiment a little. Kid’s bribed Jake sets sail on the good ship Barracuda. What could possibly go wrong?

How about thousands of prehistoric piranhas let loose by an underwater earthquake? Better yet they’re about to chow down on some Ivy League takeaway. And that’s that. The sheer simplicity of Alexandre Aja’s remake is the very thing that makes Piranha 3D such a sick and twisted joy. Read into it what you will but as Aja pours the blood as freely as rappers pop the Cristal you can’t help but be dragged along by the aquatic arse kicking these old fish dish out.

Aja rocks the lowest common denominators of sex and violence but he can handle suspense like a master. As he carves up more and more of the main players of perversion; including Hostel director Eli Roth who cameos as a deranged wet t-shirt host, you get the feeling Aja thinks the party is well and truly over for America - Obama or no Obama. And now Donald Trump is looming on the horizon with a six-pack of racism, hate and inter-continental ballistic missiles, Piranha 3D is now arguably essential viewing.

Only Jake’s decisions at the end of the film give you any hope for the I-Generation but watching Ving Rhames as a badass deputy taking an outboard motor to the piranhas will make you reach for the jumbo 7-Up and forget the ills of the world as another twenty something gets ripped to shreds. 

God bless America (whilst we still can).

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