Saving the Universe is all well and good but one day, they're going to want to settle down, otherwise, what's the point? Which got us thinking, which of the Avengers would make the most suitable husband? We'd do the wives side too if Marvel had got around to introducing any more women to the franchise so we'll have to get back to you on that. Meantime, we present the Broken Shark Guide to Husbanding an Avenger.
Tony Stark / Iron Man
BS Rating: 8/10
He’s likely to push you out of the way to get to the mirror and you may well not be the only girl he finds magnetic (sorry) but you’ll never need to hail a cab again, he has good taste in music and you’re bound to have one hell of a time with him that’s for sure. Also he drinks champagne, like all the time.
|Stinking Rich||Raft of emotional issues / PTSD|
|Unlikely to suffer heart disease||Not a heart you're going to find scratched on your school desk|
|Nice house||Frequently demolished|
|Shiny red outfit||Shiny red head girlfriend|
|So many shiny cars||You may not be into shiny|
|You're totally into shiny||Other girls are into shiny. Grrrrrr|
Steve Rogers / Captain America
BS Rating: 5/10
Try as we might we just cannot get excited about straight as a die Steve. He will definitely be reliable AND can probably do the Lindy Hop but that’s just not enough for a Broken Shark kinda gal. Sorry Cap.
|Probably good with household bills||So dull he doesn't even have a weapon|
|Won't expect you to go to work||Won't like it if you do|
|Won't die first due to slow ageing from super soldier serum||Will definitely leave you when you hit forty|
|Good on 50's politics||Won't stop banging on about the communists|
|Great gym buddy||For the first two sessions|
|Probably gets up early to make the most of the day||You're going to want to lie in occasionally and he is not going to be okay with that|
Bruce Banner / The Hulk
BS Rating: 4/10
A tough one because Ruffallo’s Banner is too damn lovely for words but the fact that perhaps if we crashed our car he may Hulk up and kill us put us off a little bit. Sorry Hulk / Banner.
|Seems like relationship material||Is the Hulk 'issue' like, genetic now? If so, bonus con for next generation therapy costs|
|Would win in a bar fight over you honour EVERY TIME||Sued continually by bar owners|
|Trousers grow with him, saving on midlife crisis sweat pants||Shirts - not so much|
|Definitely would resuce you from a gamma radiation blast||Fairly low chance this would be useful|
|He is Mark Ruffalo||Substantial father issues|
Thor / Thor
BS Rating: 9/10
Handsome, seems to have good morals, speaks nicely, is polite and has a really big hammer. What’s not to love?
|Wonderful Outfit||Likes it a bit too much|
|Wonderful hair||You're going to want to use the bathroom too|
|Great opportunities for inter-dimensional travel (no cost)||Family Christmas could be difficult|
|Should be good at DIY||Not sure the Ikea bookcase is compatible with that hammer|
|He is a god||Doesn't automatically bestow godess title on partner|
|Could actually get you a moon on a stick||Making your anniversary gifts look very tame|
Loki / Loki
BS Rating: 6/10
Evil can be sexy but Loki’s narcissistic leanings mean he’d barely pay us any attention which just won’t work. On the plus side we could share hair products but I doubt he’d end us his cloak/pants/anything – Loki doesn’t share his toys.
|Awesome dress sense||Seems unlikley to share his tailor with you|
|Highly unpredictable||Highly unpredictable|
|Great sense of humour||So long as you're not the subject|
|Can take any form - significant saving on Hallow'een costumes||You're always going to look like the one dressed as a velour pumpkin|
|Fantastic magician||Probably expensive to insure for kid's parties|
|Very well read||Because he spends a lot of time in jail|
Clint Barton / Hawkeye
BS Rating: Non-Runner
Ermmmmmm who is he again?
|Not high up on bad guy's hit list||What the hell does this guy do?|
|Can probably shoot an apple off somebody's head||What the hell does this guy do?|
|Struggling a bit here||Seriously, the world is imploding, giant robots / space aliens are laying waste to entire cities and this guy turns up with a bow and arrow?|
|.........||Honestly, even his name makes him sound like a Midwest carpet salesman. Can I interest you in this rug madam? Here, take my card in case you change your mind. That's right, just ask for Clint Barton. Number 1 saleman across all Ohio 2004....|
Avengers: Age of Ultron is released in the UK on 23rd April 2015 and is reviewed here.